14.5.09

side-effects may vary

i get a lot of admiration and kudos for my pissabouts with H+ technology, most of it undeserved. frequently, people will say that they wouldn't do it, but it's a cool thing to be doing, or something along those lines; less frequently, people get into it right along with me. two people in the city have since i been here. both now have a black-market implant installed by yours truly, and one reacted very differently to the other.

that got me thinking. when i first jumped into the field with my little RFID ampoule, i just had one aim: to satisfy my own curiosity. i honestly wasn't thinking of anything else, neither of puerile cool-factor addition or of higher goals; transhumanism wasn't a word i knew at that point. i just wanted to hack the meat and see what would happen, both socially and technologically.

i got my answer, sort of, but i also got a whole barrel of side-effects, good and bad. viz:

good:
- it stimulates discussion and interest in H+. this is the major pro.
- there are functions of the devices i didn't expect: i use the Nd-60 nodules on my right hand as placeholders for magnetic objects, which helps while soldering and when using styluses, for instance.
- it gets people to build on what i have, like one buddy who's working on improving the RFID setup.

bad:
- it's the biggest blackmail incitement i've ever had. someone i used to work back-to-back with underground now holds the power to send me to jail, someone who doesn't like my sorry ass at all no more. now i've got a sword of Damocles over my head that i can't forget about, and i've lost the ability to tell you guys about my procedures for fear that it'll fall.
- the infections, and with the Nd-60s, the poisoning. it's a risk we run, and it's gone badly wrong for me in the past. it also makes me feel like an asshole every time i have to go get State surgery for things i did to myself.
- socially, it tends to isolate me once people find out who i am. for every one who thinks RFID is cool and they might try it themselves cause they could do a damn sight better than junkie-ass here, there's another one who thinks monsters check under the bed to make sure Lepht's not there, or that i'm some exotic flavour of self-harmer. it's weird, but i guess it's part of our society; ask TV: cyborgs are emotionless at best and psychotic on average.
- pain. you got a pain problem, homebrewing'll make it that much worse; you didn't have one before and you're sure as shit gonna.
- not that this one bothers me, but people comment; scars. my hands look pretty fucked up now. personally, i like them.

the worst thing is what's happened with my onetime partner. he was abusive, a total mindfuck to be with, and i don't miss the guy - on a pretty deep level, i hate that he controlled me for as long as he did - but i got a lot of regrets about what went down. it keeps me awake at night that he could dump my ass back in prison any time he wanted. that's not somewhere i wanna go again, ever. the best, i think, has to be the knowledge of exactly how little i've already done, how much there still is to play with and how much room my crapped-out body still has for experimentation. it's exhilarating.

i think even if i'd known this shit would go down, i wouldn't have been able to resist the implants. they're like crack for me. i guess that makes this post the patient information leaflet for cocaine.

L

No comments: