anthrax by return of post

well, i guess the "letter to resuscitate dead relationship" experiment is officially a failure. i've left enough time that it's almost guaranteed Muad-Dib would've got his hands on the letter one way or another by now, even adding on time for "heartfelt" consideration of words etc. most likely hypothesis right now given all evidence: the man simply does not give a shit.

the stupidest fucking thing is that i would have dealt with it a whole fucking lot better if he'd just said when he left me, "Look, you little crippled fuck, you're a massive financial and emotional burden and I'm fucking sick of taking you to hospital when I could be out drinking and fucking that slut we don't talk about because your crying over it makes me mad. I can't be arsed supporting you while you're sick and frankly I'm bored of morphiac sex so I'm leaving your sorry arse. You'll never see me again, feel free to recycle those love letters I sent you, ta ta."

instead i wasted seven months or more waiting for him to make good on his vague talk of "still caring about me" and "not wanting to be left out of my life" etc. etc. he spent hours on the phone with me (and repeating it all to my ma when i couldn't speak anymore) promising he still wanted to be in my life, telling me he just couldn't handle a relationship right now, he just needed time, all that shit of which the implication was that he would at least be up for giving it a go in a while. he phrased everything as if he was just exhausted and needed a temporary break. in fact, this was the whole point of sending me to England for respite care - to give him, the primary support in my life, a nice long break where he didn't have to worry about me and could just get on with his job and use his free money and time to go and have fun. naturally, i did not understand any of this heap of talk to mean "Fuck you, Anonym, I'm off, you ugly little wanker." of course this was apparently exactly what it meant. had he gathered enough balls to simply tell me he'd had enough of caring for me and would never come back, i could have been recovered four or five months ago rather than still being fucked up over it now. i at least have enough pride to know i deserved the fucking truth, but it seems he was too much of a coward to even tell me long-distance. he could have emailed me, sent a letter, texted me, anything. but no, nothing, leaving me to assume he still meant his words and really would come back to try again someday. i am pretty fucking pissed that he couldn't even do me the courtesy of cutting things off for definite. he thinks it's perfectly fine to lie about the possible future so i couldn't move on and then deny all communications, leaving me without anything to analyse, without any possibility of closure, not able to mourn what was nor hope for what might still be. from here it just looks like twisting the knife, although i know it was done purely to make himself feel better.

several people have asked for powerword & IRL address on him, more for his usernames etc. on various esports and WoW. i am this close to just collating everything i know and putting it all out there. if it comes around that i hear from some acquaintance he's replaced me, i'll fucking do it.



Dan Campbell said...

Hate to say this, but it's called 'taking the hint'. Doesn't matter whether he was vague or a coward or whatever. When he split, even allegedly temporarily, it was your job - for your sake - to prepare psychologically, for the worst.

At least you're in the anger phase, now. It's only a matter of time, when you will be able to let go.

I never got closure, with the love of my life. Closure is rare.

Anonymous said...

Will it change anything?
Will any good come out of publishing these things? Idk.
I know what it's like to be left.
I also know that retribution rarely helps in moving on.


Anonymous said...

Please don't publish info on him. You'll only come to regret it.


Lepht said...

Dan - yeah, that's not how my mind works. hints and the like are not something i can really deal with as a neuroatypical. i don't notice them until someone else points them out and i tend to get annoyed when people who know what's wrong with me, like MD, still speak in hints and clues and expect me to understand them. especially if the meaning of the "hint" is diametrically opposed to that of the "plain" speech. i personally am of the opinion that it matters very much that he was a coward and vague. you don't lie to someone that can't tell if you're lying or not.

tl;dr good for you if you can prepare for and thus avoid or abate negative psychological impact. i most certainly can't.

others - yes, to dox him probably would be a bad thing, i get that. it's just tempting because a fair amount of requests for dox have come through, and because it would inject a satisfying dose of FUCK YOU into his safe world of esports where most people think he's great. in the same manner as kicking that neighbour's yappy little irritating dog would be. it is extremely rare that anyone actually kicks the fucking thing, though, if you understand.


Brian McEvoy said...

MD may have been truthful when he said he only wanted a break. He may have also been lying to himself.

When I look back at the times when I hurt my ex girlfriends, I thought, "Why the fuck did I do that?" I'm referring to things like breaking up or breaking promises. I've never hit a woman. I think back to how I felt when I made the promise to her then compare it to how I felt when I broke the promise. Those feelings were in clear conflict. When I made the promise I had every intention of keeping it. When I broke it I felt I had every reason to do what I did and she should never have made me promise in the first place. Either way, shit move on my part. But now I know that about myself and I see the same being true of many guys. I'm over thirty and it took over a quarter of a century to realize that about myself. Many guys never seem to get it.

I'm not defending him, just trying to explain what might have been going through his head. He should be held accountable by you.

TL;DR. MD is only a boy. Boys lie without even trying. He doesn't know himself well enough to keep himself from hurting people. He acted like a dickbag.

Dan Campbell said...

Lepht, I didn't say it was easy to prepare, or even that it was always possible. Only that it is one's own responsibility.

And no, it wasn't possible for me to prepare, in the most painful of my breakup experiences. But in terms of perspective, it's still helpful (or will be helpful, eventually) to realize that one's well-being, is not the responsibility of anyone but ourselves.

It's more complicated, of course, when there are medical issues, such as you have.

Yep, it was cruel and mean and maybe cowardly; and he apparently lied with no intention of keeping you in his life. That is probably true.

A friend of mine, used to see a therapist, and he asked the therapist about the issue of divorces & similar breakups, and how to deal with it better.

She didn't have any magical advice, any more than I have. But she did say, that there is always at least one person, who gets hurt. There is no way around that, and the person in this case, happens to be you. Maybe it caused him some grief also, who knows.

It's your job to work through this. As you've already surmised, punishing him is not really going to help. It shifts the burden of your emotional pain, onto someone else, but doesn't really offer a good return on your time investment.

One of the things you did right, was to write about it. If you still have that counselor, that's a resource that most people don't have.

All of us as fans, have seen your strength and smarts. I'm one hundred percent certain your pain won't last forever, that you will get past this and hopefully find someone else.

And like your other fans - believe me Lepht - it hurts that you had to through this. I don't like it, and badly hope that you can find a compatible partner, soon.


Anonymous said...

Sadly this is the way it too often goes. Somebody speculated that he might have been lying to himself. That might well be the case, but it doesn't matter. You draw all the right conclusions.

And I want to say, I very much disagree with the notion that one is expected to "take the hint". I think I'm fairly "neurotypical" or whatever and leaving someone hanging in the air when one should know better is just plain wrong to me as well as it should be to anyone.

That being said, no harm in learning the lesson that when somebody blahblahs their way around like that ("i want to be with you, i just don't want to be with you"), it's a safe bet to assume one might as well tell them to fuck off.

Wishing you all the best,

Mattiew said...

As a already mentioned in a previous post, you might want to take a look into this:


Benefits reported for -
Uplifting and stabilising mood
Modulating / normalising dopamine release

Another benefit is normalization of sleep.

Elements used for this little brain hacking :

folic acid
vitamin b complex

It might help to repair your brain :).

Mind you, i'm not a doctor and its not medical advice.

Unqualified said...

Screw "take a hint." Muad-dib's a fully grown person, you expect him to speak up like a fucking adult. That's entirely reasonable.

If he thought it was going to be a break - lying to himself, like Brian said - that's in the sucks-but-not-evil bucket, but breaking up by stealth is straight up Awful Person territory.

Even so, I don't think you should dox him. You didn't dox the raging dickhead who tried to get you locked up, I'm sure you can resist the impulse this time, too. ",)

Look after yourself, boss. Any chance you'll be in London in August?

Dan Campbell said...

These will be my final comments, I stand by my advice.

I'm not talking about 'taking a hint' from MD. I'm talking about taking a hint from reality.

Meaning, that when someone whom you've grown attached to, says they need a break, then your warning signs should be flaring up, and you should start preparing yourself for a possible loss. Easier said than done, yes.

My niece is my favorite person on the planet. Sometimes she will tell me that some guy is taking 'too long' to make a commitment, or will interpret with near certainty the motives for some of his actions.

While trying to be supportive, I'll almost always try to get across that we can't read someone else's mind. We might have some idea of what they are going through, when they make a decision that hurts us. But we don't know for sure, if something else happened, internally or externally to them, that prompted them to take their action.

The ONLY thing we have a chance of handling - with no guarantee that we can avoid pain - is our reaction. We don't know absolutely, what another person is thinking, or how they are necessarily feeling.

Also, I don't personally know MD or Lepht. I don't know exactly what MD was going through, when he apparently lied to her. I don't know what guilt prompted such an act; or what kind of situation he believed would occur, if he told her straight out, that he was leaving. ASSUMING that, at that moment, he really was planning to leave permanently.

Although Lepht has tried to explain honestly to all of us, what types of problems she has, and that she is difficult to deal with sometimes, it is still impossible to put myself in MD's shoes. Therefore, the only advice I can give, is what I know - and that is, that you can't control another person's feelings or behavior, and therefore you have to try to find ways to protect yourself.

The true Faust said...

Hey Lepht,

Damn, I'm really sorry to hear how you're feeling. I...really mean that. For fucks sake, someone like you doesn't deserve this. I only just found out you existed today. I'm planning on going to the AI course at reading university, and whilst looking at youtube videos for the course, I stumbled across the talk you gave on cybernetics for the masses. Not going to lie, you've blown my mind. In a good way. I'm only 18, but I'm a transhumanist, a rationalist (I hate pseudoscience with a FIERCE passion) and...well...I'm just utterly amazed that someone like you ACTUALLY exists. I guess the meaning of me posting all this is to just say that I hope you feel better soon. I don't pretend to know much about love, but judging from the quality of the replies given to you, you inspire true loyalty in those who find the things you say and do to be meaningful, indeed to be beautiful. With all the sincerity I can muster, I hope you can find the strength to overcome this. But my word, you're too awesome not to. Please feel better soon, fellow rationalist.

Anonymous said...

I find it sickening that even after all that has been done for you over the past few years, you still refuse to see that you've bought this on yourself. Every person who has tried to get close to you, take care of you and try and help you achieve all the amazing things we knew you were capable of, have all walked away, because there is a point where watching you slowly destroy yourself is too unbearably painful to watch, and walking away is the only thing left when the feeling of failure is too much to bear. MD devoted his life to you while you were together. He dropped out of uni, worked a full time job and became your full time carer, all to keep you alive because he loved you so much. He fed you, bathed you, and cared for you, the way mothers care for their own sick children. No twenty something should have to deal with that. He loved you so much, it was hard to watch him destroy himself trying to take care of you. If he'd stayed any longer it would've have killed him. All the people who walked away, did so because watching you destroy yourself, no matter what was done for you, had to because if they kept going, it was probably going to kill them too. Stop trying to manipulate strangers into feeling sorry for you. If they knew the full story, they would say the same thing: You know what you have to do. Check yourself into in patient care, get off the drugs, and get clean. Go back to uni, and prove to us that taking care of you was worth it. This cycle is going to keep repeating itself, until one day it will kill someone, and what you're feeling right now, will just seem like a walk in the park compared to reality. The only person who can help you now is you.

Anonymous said...

Lepht what has happened to you? You were a vibrant and interesting individual who blogged about transhumanism and computers.

Now you have become bitter and self-indulgent. You threaten to post documents on your ex out of spite and beg strangers for money. You are wasting your potential.

Move on. Get help.

Become the woman everyone admired at the hacker conference.

Or don't.

I'm just an anonymous poster. Up to you if you wont to go further into this spiral of depression.

Anonymous said...

You sound whiny. When you've done the shit you say you have in your earlier blogs, and expect normalcy in any aspect of your life, you're not just deluded, you're trying to shove that delusion onto other people. It sounds like you've got this woe is me, send me money and pills and free stuffs because it's so super hard to take care of myself after I've fucked myself up and please come into my pity party and we can all feel super shitty and you can hear about how difficult things are. You like to show off them fancy neuroses you possess, so I won't hint shit, it seems like you need a good hard introspection into what seems to be fucked up and what you can do to fix it and if at anytime you come up with something other then "Well fuck me running, I guess it's me" then go back to step one and start over madame.

Anonymous said...

Hmm, 3 long anon. post pretty much saying the same negative thing within an hour of each other.

I bet had they(or he / she) ever truly loved - they would be more considerate. If they would know what it feels like to be drugged up because the pain in your spine is so unbearable that you cant even stand, they would not say this. If they knew what psycological issues such as yours are like, then they would be silent.

Don't listen to someone who is anon and is full of shit.

But you should listen to those who truly are your friends and you Should RESPOND back to them, for they are those who care for you, and want you to get better. If you don't respond - they will hurt. Caring two way conversations really can help.


Anonymous said...

Stop writing "inappropriate words", you are all a bunch of "I-WANT-TO-REPAIR-LEPHT-BUT-CAN-NOT-HOLD-A-SCREWDRIVER-EMO" making things worse.

She needs a professional psychologist.

Anonymous said...

Did I write "She"? I meant "It".

Anonymous said...

I don't think anyone here has any significant education in psychology.

So all advice is just opinion and should only be followed if in agreement with the actual advice of a psychologist.

Lepht said...

trololol. looks like someone (i don't know who - i found out after a very close friend turned out to be silently trying to get me committed that you can't really know what people are actually thinking) thinks they know "the full story" and is butthurt because... i dunno, because i'm still on painkillers? because apparently you "bring" depression on yourself? i love how they say "check yourself in... get clean" as if i'm taking crack or something. it's all prescribed and sanctioned, ladies, none of it's for addiction, blah blah most of you know this already.

btw just to clear things up: although it would have been satisfying i am perfectly aware that doxing MD is not a good idea (even if it was ethically OK which it isn't he could totally just turn around and dox me right back... which now that i think about it probably wouldn't make any difference on accounta i kinda had to dox myself at the 27C3.) i might be a dickbag but i don't execute *every* terrible idea that comes to my mind.

i might also add that generally, it's better not to get involved with someone with chronic depression if you can't actually handle it when they get bad. if your line of thinking is "oh bawww i can't watch this horrible failure oh whyyyy won't it listen to meeeeee" leading to your just dropping said depressive etc. then it's probably best just not to try in the first place. just sayin'.


Lepht said...

also, i totally disagree that any of my commenters (except those anonymous bitchings up thar) are making it worse. trust me, you're not. as long as you're genuinely offering advice/comments/support/etc, which you all seem to be to me, it's actually really helpful to get other people's input. i don't have a counsellor or psychiatrist here (yet) so i don't have any other kind of feedback except talking to my parents, and i really appreciate it.

don't let that guy impugn your screwdriver holding skills.


Anonymous said...

Speaking from experience being with someone with depression is very hard. Sometimes it takes it toll on both parties. I can see that you are hurting over losing your significant other. Who wouldn't.

Lets say for arguments sake that your ex got back with you. Would that fix things? Probably not.

What is to stop things form repeating themselves? And would you really want to be in a relationship with someone who is unhappy to be in that relationship? Not fair for either person.

Lepht it hurts to lose a close loved one. Relationships are a very difficult learning curve. Take this as experience as odd as that sounds.

You still had good times with Muad-Dib and it is a shame that it has ended. But your life isn't over. Take advice from people here.

Focus on University. Get help for your depression. Sort out your living situation and try to distract yourself from stuff. Post positive blogs and none of this melancholy stuff - it only reinforces your feelings.

Things could be worse. You could actually be homeless and not living with family. You actually have family to look after you and you have your final year at University.

In the grand scheme of things maybe losing a boyfriends isn't all that bad.

Speider said...

This might be the stupidest question, but what is morphiac sex?

Anonymous said...

We all get broken up with. It happens.

A3ye said...

"hints and the like are not something i can really deal with as a neuroatypical. i don't notice them until someone else points them out"

Since you can't "take the hint" I'll let you know that doxing him isn't the solution and that even though you don't have him as a part of your life anymore their are other sources to find what you gained from being with him. Obviously you have a place to go when you need someone(s) to talk to (this blog and everyone who comments if you cant get that hint either ;D )and whatever else it might be you miss of him you'll find in the future.

With all the things your going through its good you now have all this new time to get passionate and productive with your life instead of wasting the time you have. We use Art and Yoga to replace the anti depressants that require never ending cycles of stronger doses, money, and side effects. Using cannabis medicinal and moderately can help with both the appetite and depression and its cheaper and probably safer than these synthetic pills with more side effects than medicinal effects.

Any kind of exercise can get you hungry and happy though (swimming and yoga are the ones that feel the least like exercise and have the best results imo). Plus you don't have to rely on any doctor\dealer to get it for you.