16.4.11

prodding the corpse

hey, i think its eyes have rott - FUCK IT'S STILL ALIVE.

um, hi. you've probably forgotten about my sorry ass by now. have the fans all gone? is that guy who kept asking me to marry him still here?

i owe you all an apology for being away so long. lots of things happened; first there was the move, which was so fucking stressful i kept throwing up, and then trying to catch up with my honours year project, trying to get my application to repeat last semester approved and get repeat tuition fee support for it, trying to catch up with everything else i missed. there was a lot of serious head problems just after the move as well, plus fallout head-wise from the shit i did at Christmas. it still eats at me. then my finances crashed while we were moving, i got a phone call from the bank about how they needed £800 that day, and i had to use up every single penny i and my ma had, anywhere, just to stop them closing down my account. i'm still so broke i can't afford fuck all except rent. Muad-Dib is helping me get food. it's pretty much just potatoes, noodles and those frozen bags of discount meat you get at Farmfoods. i still owe my friend Feoa and Muad-Dib's dad for Berlin, my flatmate B for the massive electricity bill that came in when the boiler broke and my ma for helping me pay the deposit on the new place.

headspace got pretty corrupted this time around, as you can probably guess. i didn't try to end it this time; it makes me feel too guilty, on account of the life partner and family i'd have to leave behind, and the bupe sorta cushions the blow of a lot of those thoughts. i did completely shut down for everything but the Honours project, so i haven't even been answering my phone or checking my email, much less working on the experiments. i thank the gods of sedation that i had this shit in my veins that keeps me from going completely insane when my brain just falters and fails for months on end like that. i think i'd have succeeded at death a while ago if i didn't.

it's time to start again, again.

in my absence two places have been set up to document and plan the experiments: they are Biohack.me and SelfModifier. they were set up by people who read the blog, and i will be establishing myself on them tomorrow. it's going to be the day when i finally check emails, answer messages, make introductory posts, etc. and i promise no matter what kind of progress i do or don't make, every Saturday i will check in here and on those sites.

i tried on various people's advice to set up a Flattr. i'm still trying. my paypal broke when a payment from my bank got refused, and i think that might have broken the flattr as well.

also i had an invitation in January to go speak about H+ in Ireland; i may or may not actually do this, since i don't know if it's too late to accept or about travel funds and whatnot.

in the main, though, sorry. sorry for leaving you all for this long. sorry for not replying to your messages and emails and SMS. sorry for not being better with my finances so i have any money at all to do anything. mostly, sorry for fucking up.

i have an essay i'll post for you tomorrow about underground H+. it's a long-ass bastard (4K) but it's a fairly decent piece, i think, since i wrote it for a University course. it's 0354 now and i ought to go find something to make me sleep. i'm okay, but i'll be better when i get back into talking to people. g'night, sibs. carpe corporem.

L

10 comments:

Mitchell said...

Dear Lepht, you are the opposite of a fuck-up (whatever you call that). Sure, it sucks for the self-esteem when other people repeatedly have to pick up your pieces. But there are legions here who think you are cool beyond cool and not without reason. You've already earned your place in posthuman Valhalla. Who else here can say the same?

Thomas said...

i fully agree with Mitchell.
there are many people rooting for you, including myself.
i'm looking forward to your ideas and opinions on biohack.me.

Imran Ali said...

Hey Lepht, sorry to hear about your troubles.

We'd still love to have you join us for the LSx conference in June as a speaker and are really excited to hear more about your work!

We'll help with any travel/accomodation costs, so do let us know if you're still interested :)

crypto said...

glad to see you're still alive

melladh said...

You know you'll never get rid of us

Unqualified to speak said...

Moo hoo ha ha, the power of RSS. (",)
Fucking hell, you've had a serious time of it, boss. Glad to hear things are starting to shake out.

spoon said...

Sorry but selfmodifier.org no longer exists. It would have a use (the code is released) but not now, not for me, and I don't give a fuck.

The only pieces of software I have ever written which have been at all popular have been bloody stupid.

So I've taken a vow not to do sensible things any more. Thus until I graduate I shall be as silly as possible, in a mathematical sort of way.

Thus (not that it's much loss, since I'm crap at these sensible things) I shall be participating in H+ development no longer, no aspirations, annoying pretense or genuine help. I am gone. I will be writing games in lisp alone in my flat and it shall be better for all. Cheeribye!

Mr.Babbage said...

Glad to see you're still alive and kicking (maybe just twitching)

Anonymous said...

good luck lepht, keep up with dealing with this shit (coz shit happens... and you know what? you never know!!) and I'm sure you'll see the end of it soon x

Anonymous said...

Lepht,

I've seen the recording of 27C3 today and getting into the topic a bit. Very Interesting stuff - and very big respect on passing information along.

However, I find it surprising that you, on the one hand, do quite dangerous body mods (compared to regular people stuff) but on the other hand you are scared about not-so-dangerous things. Huh well I don't want to sound like your mom, but hell you have proven you're tough so don't be scared of losing fans, money, respect or wth else bothers you. You did a great job (in my opinion) and I hope you feel the same about yourself.