15.9.11

pulled from the scrapheap

i have been trying for a considerably long time and find myself unable to explain what precisely i have been doing since February, when you last saw me. physically, the answer is simple: sleeping; cooperating with medication regimes one after another as they are proposed, adjusted and readjusted; eating convenience food; staring lifelessly at whatever useless shit was in front of me, uselessly trying to pick up my work and my life. i lost myself.

i also spent a considerable portion of the time acquiring the means to build an Exit bag. this device is the quickest, most painless way to terminate one's own life. it induces anoxia in seconds via a maskful of nitrogen. there is no pain, only a deep breath in and a gentle sleep. you can't be revived. i had the components prepared and to be honest, my plan for much of that missing time was to kill myself, as it has been before. this time i was far better informed and equipped. i had all the necessary equipment to give my emptied mind a final, irrevocable state of peace.

i desperately wanted that peace. Suboxone does not give the kind of solace morphine does, and it had long since stopped doing fuck all for either kind of pain in my system. my University work was circling the drain, depression and procrastination hovering over it like vultures ready to finish the job. my financial situation was as dire as always, and this summer i could find no research jobs, not to mention the fact that i was still meant to be working on Thistledown full time. that led to Muad-Dib working 8-6 at a shitty phone unlocking shop, for employers who "borrowed" most of his salary, just to pay my rent and get me food to eat. he is living with me unofficially, but he has another place to go to, and he sacrificed his entire summer and all of its earnings for me. you can imagine this did not help the guilt.

i feel like i should explain that more: i carry a lot of guilt around. you saw what i did to my parents, as carelessly as i do everything else; i might be good at H+ but i am also pretty damn good at fucking people over without thinking. i've done it before, i don't even know i'm doing it half the time. coupled with the worst depressive episode i've ever experienced, i had set a date and my life was tabled to end on the third of July, 2011. from around April i'd been experiencing what they call an "intrusive thought" - it's time it's time it's time, strings and strings of the same little fucking messages everywhere. in dreams and in daydreams, scribbled in doodles on my planner, i'd even notice it spelling itself out in paraeidolic patterns on my ceiling or in the patterns of clouds and leaves. it's time it's time it's time it's time it's time. it would insert itself into the little "subtitles" i see in my mind's eye when people talk to me, into lines of my novel when i tried to reread it. i knew the messages were right, was the worst thing.

i realise i am making myself sound even more insane. my consultant psychiatrist says i am sane, but damaged; potayto, potahto. the third of July came around and my mum called, planning a visit for me to go down to England on my birthday. i realised they would fly her up here tomorrow when someone had to identify my body, or they would make Muad-Dib do it. i put the phone down and cried for hours until he got home. he told me in detail how he thought he would react to my suicide. that made me bawl more. we talked and talked until i promised him i would not do it.

the intrusive thoughts are common in extreme depressive episodes, according to Dr. D. they're almost gone. but i'm trying really hard not to sound like an emo kid while still telling the truth: my mind broke. i had the instrument of a calm quiet death up in my attic, i had my will and cadaver donation there, i had instructions to sell all my things to cover my bank overdraft. my roommate was gone for the summer and would never see my corpse. i convinced myself i was going to a blissful oblivious abyss of nothing where i couldn't hurt or disappoint or betray anyone ever again. i wasn't capable of anything for a fuck of a long time after i realised i couldn't give myself even that.

to boot, mental illnesses bring on physical ones. in one way or another i haven't been well for a very long time. that impacted everything to an irritating degree, but luckily is documented by enough doctors and psychiatrists that the University Registry will be satisfied of what happened.

so, consider me that shell pulled barely living from the cybernetic junkyard, half a torso, no limbs and a lolling bald head. my real name is fitting for that picture, after all. the core of me is alive, but the rest is damaged, and it has taken me so long just to be able to communicate with anyone without lying about how fine i am or just shitting bricks for no reason.

i am on the bench, fixing myself bit by bit with gomi. i'll need help before i am a working person again. but i will get there, and i will keep talking about it for a while as i do; should you not want to read this, as i would expect (recovery stories are not often very exciting save for the author) - check back in a few months. i will heal. it might not be fast. you have likely outstripped me tenfold.

thankyou all for your supportive comments, in the meantime. i saw them but was too fucked up to respond. i hope you understand, but equally, i'll get it if you don't. i will try to answer some emails tomorrow.

carpe corporem.

L


edited for stupid typos.

51 comments:

hat said...

Not having gone theough it, I can't understand so consider this as strong as generic supportive comments can possibly be. Know at least one person definitely wants you to live

john said...

Thank you for staying with us, and congratulations on making this much of a recovery. Hopefully the doctors can find the correct chemical cocktail to make the meat feel right. Stay strong and keep on hacking

Meticulous Geek said...

Hey, Thanks for coming back and posting. I have been religiously lurking your blog and twitter for months now and its so nice to see you back.

Derek said...

Here's another person looking forward to seeing you fixed. I've never met you, and don't really know you, but I hope to run into you at a conference, event, talk, or pub in the future. Recovery stories are relevant and worth while to anyone who gives a damn about the person involved. I'm guessing more people care than you might guess at first.

You have Muad-Dib there for you which is wonderful. He's made his own choices and clearly values you. Try not to feel guilty for something that he has every right to decide on his own to do.

Looking forward to news a little more often.

mack431 said...

Please do not kill yourself. I want more H+ informations.

mack431 said...

Hello Lepth. Please do not go and kill yourself. I want more H+ informations. Please stay. ♥

mack431 said...

Hello Lepht. Please do not kill yourself. I want more H+. Please stay.

Xaot said...

I checked your blog today to see that you posted from the future. It's still the 14th here in Canada.

Thanks for staying with us, L. I've felt the feeling before and I know how hard it is. I look forward to reading more of your posts, but don't push yourself to write if you're not feeling well. Know that you've got a supporter in me.

Anonymous said...

Glad you're still alive. My reality is a better reality with a Lepht kicking around out there somewhere.

abbax said...

I'm glad you didn't leave us. I like you.

elwood said...

the problem is you always underestimate the extend of people who might be in pain afterwards. been there, done that. don't do it kiddo. *hug*

Max said...

So you crashed. Hard. Try not to feel guilty about anything. After all, we're all just constellations of molecules reacting the way the physical laws dictate yadda yadda. It's not like it could have happened any other way.
You got up (or are getting up), that's all that counts. I'm glad you're still here, and the fact that after more than half a year of complete silence, there's already 8 comments on your blog post after less than 24 hours shows there's enough people who'd rather have you running around alive, kicking and ranting if you must than lying in a morgue with a tag on your toe.

Do make sure to post anything and everything you want to post about recovery. There's people here who care, and those who don't quite frankly don't have to read it. We don't nearly know enough of your life to be able to properly gauge the situation, but that's your decision and maybe it's better that way. At least you won't feel guilty about having "forsaken" your blog or anything.

Don't worry about being broken. For your body, science (and its often-forgotten brother, engineering) is doing its best to invent cool spare parts. Healing the mind is your own responsibility (also the responsibility of those around you), and never impossible.

wz said...

Hey there. I have often wondered about what you've been up to. You were my introduction to H+, and your attitude to it, a little madder than most, is very inspiring. You write well. There is a lot of stuff for you to do here.

I hope you stick around.

Anonymous said...

You are a wonderful person and i hope you will keep up the fight that's called life.

ThomasEgi said...

I'm glad you'r back. Now i have a good reason for finishing the power-supply and charging circuits.
Looking forward to your hacks.

Longanlon said...

so welcome to the rest of your life :)

Anonymous said...

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Anonymous said...

This is your life, and it's ending one minute at a time. No faster. Thank you!

Caveman said...

Hey L! I'm glad you are back! Listen, I have no doubt you're on a hard road and I cannot begin to understand your pain. But when I read what you write about Muad'dib, I must say, you are very very lucky. Most of us spend their entire lives looking for a partner like him and never find them. You were very lucky and I actually envy you a little. Don't feel bad that he is working hard to help you financially. Most jobs are unrewarding. Yeah, you get money, but you always feel like you don't make a difference. Like if you didn't do your job, society wouldn't collapse. But Muad'dib - he knows that his hard work is helping you. And that must be a very satisfying feeling for him. So be grateful, appreciate it, but don't feel bad. One last thing. Write about your feelings and stuff in your blog. It will be good for you and I'm sure everybody here will be supportive. Just don't censor yourself because you worry about how you might come across. Might I also suggest creative writing? It's always helped me. Well then, take care of you and I hope to read you again soon :-)

Ben Wilhelm said...

If it helps - and I have no idea if it helps - I'm glad you're around. You're doing neat things and, from what admittedly little I've gotten out of your blog, you're definitely worthwhile to have in the world.

If I wasn't on totally the wrong continent, drinks would be on me. (Although now I'd be sorely tempted to buy flan.)

Also, don't feel obliged to respond to this.

Max said...

I'm sorry, I don't get the reference. Why flan? You mean the yummy stuff one puts into ones mouth, right? Also, what's 'gomi'?

Lepht said...

thankyou, all. i appreciate the replies more than i can adequately express.

Max, the flan is a reference to aged cyberpunk manga Gunnm. it is a tasty wobbly dessert which the main antagonist/anti-hero is obsessed with. "gomi" is japanese for "machine junk", Gibson popularised the term.

i gotta go sort out some academic stuff i've been neglecting. see you all tomorrow.

L

Unqualified to speak said...

Fuck, boss. Life ain't ever easy, is it? Glad to hear you're still with us, and Muad-Dib, thou art a mensch.

Anonymous said...

Lepht I am thirty six and still struggling through a uni degree I started when I was 30 I am on an extended leave of absence at the moment and am not sure when I will get my head right to go back. When In my twenties I spent most of my time and effort taking way to many risks and way to many drugs. I never ever thought I would live beyond thirty but here I am. I also suffer from mental illness and only really started to get off all the gear when diagnosed at the end of my twenties. I still feel like the only person on the planet that thinks like me and go through regular bouts of depressive episodes, But I stay around because the chance of something is still far more interesting than nothing and because I could not bare to not be there to protect and love my other half. People who stay around you when you are a mentally dynamic person do it on there own accord, But if they deserve anything and they do, it is to have you stay around them. I hope I get through my degree and achieve some of my goals but if I don't thats ok its all about the wild ride of life. Stick at it lepht, Life can get better and mental illness is much easier to deal with as you get the miles under your belt. Wear it like a badge of individuality. You are to unique not to mention adorable to disappear from this earth.
Rock on Lepht your not alone........

Director X said...

Not your fault, Lepht. It's this fucking human condition. I highly recommend tiny doses of LSD. I can't say enough good things about it.

Anonymous said...

Stay alive girl, theres a lot of people that actually do care about you. And this Muad Dib guy should get the fucking medal of honour for doing all the things he does. But the point is, Im pretty sure he would reject it. Because to him, this is the only thing he could do. Because he loves you. You two guys both take care of each other.

Lepht said...

X - you reckon acid helps? all it ever did for me was fuck my brain up with flashbacks every now and again. i never got the euphoria or anything, just a bunch of weird shit intruding on visual perception once a week or so.

predictably, Muad-Dib denies having done anything worth a medal ("What for, getting up every morning?"). he is the best support anyone could have. once again, thanks all.

L

Anonymous said...

See? Its quite easy, instead of feeling guilty, you should feel thankful for his great support. Maybe it is hard to feel something else than guilt sometimes, but maybe its just about learning to accept, that there actually is somebody, who cares about you. I guess instead of a medal he wants you to get well soon. And I don't think anything can stop you from that. Best wishes from me!

I do said...

Hi. Great to hear from you again in my RSS reader! I have a suggestion.

Last year I too was depressed enough to shop for inert gases and oven bags. For me what works surprisingly well is Zen meditation. It's simple really: The core of Buddhist philosophy is acknowledging that life means suffering and that meditation helps your mind to deal with it. I can confirm it works. Practicing meditation is hard but it makes the pain of living much more bearable. I've been sitting for a year and I definitely feel happier and stronger mentally.

Gally destroys suicide booths.

Good luck

Director X said...

@L: I'm talking about a tenth or s fifteenth of a hit. Its just enough to get a good occasional belly laugh out of the rediculousness of lifes little dramas, but it is mild enough that i can keep my shit together and talk coherently with professionals without blowing my cover. I only see tracers occasionaly.

Shit...i have a link somewhere about clinical uses. I'll post it soon as it is located.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for staying. You are one of the few people brave enough to explore past human boundaries.

Anonymous said...

leypt i have been reading your blog for awhile and totally understand were your at, i suffered ms for most of my life until stem cell therapy changed that, my search for knowledge cost my parents tens of thousands in college tuition. The difference between me and you is you used your knowledge to be one of three people in the entire world to successfully biohack oneself.

In essence you are a great revolutionary, give yourself the credit you deserve, every now an again you may have to step on some toes but please if you do kill yourself do so unintentionality in one of your scientific experements.

Patch. said...

acid won´t help. Seriously. It won´t help you to find yourself. It will Only get worse the fucked up status.

Just take a break.

And maybe it´s time to change some perspective, you know? Yeah, it´s very shitness but our belief system can´t override the quality of life (don´t know if this make sense to you, hope it does)

thanks for staying!

Patch. said...

acid won´t help. Seriously. It won´t help you to find yourself. It will Only get worse the fucked up status.

Just take a break.

And maybe it´s time to change some perspective, you know? Yeah, it´s very shitness but our belief system can´t override the quality of life (don´t know if this make sense to you, hope it does)

thanks for staying!

Director X said...

Still trying to find that damned research paper. Google search turns up lots of articles on LSD to cure depression, chronic pain, addiction, etc. There are some good articles somewhere on "un-doing" damage caused by previous bad trips too. Anyway, it is worth checking out sometime. Below is an important link about drug interactions:

DO NOT MIX WITH LITHIUM:
http://www.erowid.org/chemicals/lsd/lsd_health3.shtml

If the brain is software, LSD is the source code. It helps to read some Wilson and Leary before going into it. As much as I hate hippies, they were on to something with LSD. :)

spoon said...

Yeah Lepht you sound in need of some thoroughly chilled out folks, a tent, whisky and weed. There's nothing like pissing off a remote Victorian viaduct for perspective.

Ian said...

all I can do at this point is reiterate what everyone else has said and give you my well wishes and support. kind of a "get-well soon" gesture.

also, while you probably don't wanna be thinking about this quite yet, you're still welcome to start contributing to biohack.me. We've been making some progress there, and I'm sure you'd be a helpful asset to the discussion.

~Ian

Anonymous said...

You don't know me and I barely know you, but you have inspired me a while ago with your contribution to H+. More recently you have chosen to live, and for this I thank you. The world would have become less interesting without you in it.

Also know that by choosing to keep going, you have inspired me a second time.

Best wishes.

Unqualified to speak said...

Hey, boss, did you get an email from me? I ask because your spam filter has interjected in conversations before... ",)

Anon said...

You've inspired me a bit there. Keep being alive. Every word I type feels shallow and meaningless compared to the reality of what you actually went through. Keep looking at what you're fighting for. What is the opposite of those negative emotions, and why are you clinging to it. Keep on living! <3

malces said...

Sorry life is shitty, acid probably won't help. I'll just tack on my encouragement here:

*encouragement*

I'm not one to suggest folk don't have the right to end life on their own terms, but there's still science to be done and memetic receptacles to infect with subversive techno-utopianism. It'd be cool if you kept going, I think.

Anonymous said...

Hope your going OK Lepht, Can I just state that As I mentioned above I had to take some time off from Uni even as a mature aged student. Just to get my retarded Bipolar head straight. I can recommend time away to just play and hack through life for a while, As its a lot better option than death. My moto would be ...Life is to short...No need to shorten it further. Second to that Kepp what you like and ditch what you don't. Don't let your self get stressed out and hung up on tasks and goals set by a former YOU. Break the shackles hang loose and HACK. FUCK society fuck others expectations just live for you. Then If you can master living for you you can use a bit of your slack time and chill time to help someone ore ones that you love. But for the moment take it from a fellow head case with miles under the belt. Scrap the drugs you don't need use the ones you have to and HACK ON !!!!

Keep safe Lepht..Your a true legend don't leave us!!!

Jessica "Wolverine" Metaneira said...

So sorry, Lepht. I realize this is pretty much an empty offer because I can't do anything physical for you, but if you want someone to talk to, feel free to contact me.

You're an amazing person and it would be just fucking wrong for the world to lose someone this smart and brave.

Max said...

Side-note: I was just browsing the newly-uploaded photos from the local hacking congress [GPN] (in Karlsruhe) on the local hackerspace's wiki, and what do I find? This photo. Your talk has created ripples.

Lepht said...

Anonymous: it is biochemically very difficult to feel worthy of help or support, and therefore not guilty when these things are freely given. depression makes you feel like you guilted them into it. i appreciate the sentiment, though.

I do - i have been meditating in periods of stress for quite some time now. i have been arrested twice for pseudo-Zen trance in dangerous public places. it does not take the chemical problem i have away; thanks for the suggestion, honestly, but this isn't a bad feeling or a bad month. i can't fix it with my mind alone.

also, that's one of the reasons I am not Gally. i'm someone else's find, still lying on their workbench while they look around the junkyards for parts.

X - psychiatrist said yes, it does help chronic pain, but he advised me not to take it because my pain regime's adapting and it will trigger more old acid flashbacks. they're messed up. i'm glad it's working for you, though. Valium is doing OK here, but it's hella expensive and i had to sacrifice this week's lunches and breakfasts for ten of them, so can't take it all the time. wish i could.

Anonymous: "please if you do kill yourself do so unintentionality in one of your scientific experements."
you fund it, i'll die of sepsis trying to replace a femur with it.

Patch: that is what the antidepressants and tranquilisers are for. again, this is chronic cyclical depression. sometimes my brain just doesn't supply/reuptake enough serotonin. meatshell fault. you can't fix it with outlooks on life. but i thank you for trying, i get you're wanting to help. also i know who i am; i don't need to find myself. i need to find an adequate treatment regime.

spoon - i'm sorry i didn't text back, sib, i was kinda fucked. but yeah i do like roguelikes, yeah i wanna play yours even if it's gonna be far too hard, and i'd be honoured to come sit on viaducts with you all. just send the word.

Ian - thanks. i will when i am off this workbench, so to speak, but atm i'm still working on basics.

Anonymous: depressingly, i did not choose to live, but was not fast enough nor pitiless enough to die. in a manner of speaking Muad-Dib is the shackle that kept me here, or love was. whichever.

Unq - i am looking for it and will try to reply tomorrow. fucking inbox is full of mails again, lulz.

Anon - listen to me now, sib. you are never meaningless. my pain doesn't diminish yours. a cancer patient's pain dying in a hospice doesn't lessen the meaning of either of our experiences. you are human, sapient, a single vibrant node in a species-wide neural net that takes value from every single member. never, ever believe you are meaningless.

the mature student Anonymous with bipolar: you're not retarded. you can't spell for shit but you're damned persistent and definitely not retarded.
that said i have had my time off being ill and now the infernal sun has gone i feel like that's come to its end. i am starting again.
re: a former me, i myself only came into existence at about seventeen, and even then in a very prototypical form. i don't remember a whole lot before and my personality changed violently after. i hear you.

"Wolverine", malces and others who offered support, again, thankyou. i don't have many friends outside the Wired and you are doing a good job in their stead as far as i can tell.

Max, i am extraordinarily envious that you have a local hacker space.

cc all. gotta go to bed, 0700 wake tomorrow if the meat can do it. i'm slowly improving its efficiency, i think.

L

Max said...

Lepht: You don't have one in your vicinity? Maybe now's the time you should gather the hardcore nerds around you and start a hackerspace. ;)
You know, all you need is some computer equipment, some furniture, imported Club-Mate, enough charitable nerds to be able to afford the rent of something like an apartment (all you need is 20 square meters or so), and a solid net uplink. There's several places where you can get information about how one goes about to start a hackerspace, like in this "buiding a hacker space" talk from the 24C3 (here are the corresponding slides) or this wiki page. As far as I can tell by googling around, most spaces keep themselves afloat with donations and selling Club-Mate, so the financial part shouldn't be too hard to get sorted out. Once you got the place running you can register it as a registered association, that way you can officially accept donations and get acknowledged as a hacker space by the CCC (good for business).

I know you have a lot to do right now, but think about it. You don't have to do that alone, and you know you want to do it. If you can rally the right kind of people around you (hey, it *is* computer science you're studying, there should be plenty of weird ivory tower nerds like me around), this thing can happen. Think of all the delicious Whuffie points you'll get. ;)

C0m4 Wh1t3 said...

hi
i've stumbled across an article about you somewhere on the internet and after a brief search google brought me here.

I think that your "trans-humanizing" (not sure whether it's a right word) activity is absolutely fascinating and actually represents social breakthrough disregarding of what "normal" - which is a rather vague definition by itself - people might think.

personally i've always sort of associated myself with cyberpunk - you know, the necromancer and shit.

so i actually knew that cyberpunk is coming, but the fact that it is already here evaded me until now.

as of guilt and shit - you see, normally i do support suicidal intentions because i do believe that the earth is overpopulated and each and every (non-violent) reduction of population is welcome.

But not in you case.

You inspire people around the globe.
You are important now.
Don't leave in vane.

Mr. X said...

Lepht, I wish you best of luck. I watched you CCC talk and loved it. Altough I'm not willing to go as far as doing surgery on myself, I am really fascinated by what you are doing.

Don't kill yourself.

Clstal said...

Glad you're still with us and have plans to continue for at least a little while.

Please DO continue to be with us for a while!

Sheaman said...

Taking a moment to catch up on Lepths status -noticed Doctor X's comments- for others a comment,

Both Wilson and Leary clearly state that they are talking minor doses of LSD for cognitive performance enhancement - and *vastly* more important is that for therapy you want to be in a very well contained environment. I like to babysit trippers with Micky Mouse on the backdrop and the last time I did it I put on Nanny McPhee - everybody loved it. The point being is that thereputic LSD ( or any psychodelic ) is like pharmicologically slamming your forhead on your keyboard and then blink your eyes until you can read what got printed on the screen. I have seen it help people make psycological breakthroughs with their 'inner light being' and I have seen freak the FUCK out.. so -small doses- with people you trust - and dont expect to be more powerful than LSD no matter how much you can drink. You might decide there is a portal to Staw Wars in you refrigerator and that your roomate is lex luthor - trust me - LSD is a powerful chemical.

One I personally dislike the hangover from - but dozens of people I know do not get the same effects. Most mushrooms make me puke :shrug: different nerve setups - which is what Lepht is talking about - each individual system is unique - you cant say 'this worked for me' and expect me to accept that it work the same for someone else.

Were I to suggest a street drug for daily dosage to assist with depression - it would be Cannibus. High Grade THC in the vial - or cookies. There is Tar in the smoke - despite what 'that guy' says. THC is a brain food - an Omega 3 Fatty Acid that has been proven to improve basic kenesis and memory retention - the Canadian studies ( not going to hunt down links - google hat3es me ). All assertions to brain damage have been discounted. It is a travesty of justice that made that plant illegal - and I would recommend trying it to everyone - when I can - I smoke it everyday.

Another - odd one - to most, but Alcohol - on a diet. Me? 96 ounces of beer ( specifically ) before I go to bed. When I was younger I had a liver disorder called Gilbert Syndrome. Since I have begun my beer diet - I have had less zero difficulty going to sleep ( basically I pass out within the hour after hitting about 90oz ) and my liver disorder - has vanished. It is the diet part that is vital to using Alcohol therapeutically. Find your level and use it to regulate your sleep schedule. Destroying a bottle of whiskey is a recreational thing that requires you to rebalance yourself the next day. If you cant drink four shots of tequila - you probably dont have the head for it - but the vast majority of mankind ( hazarding a statistical guess ) is most likely genetically predispositioned to one degree or another of an alcohol diet. Considering it is inherent to our standard mating ritual.

Finally - if you are looking for a chemical to help with psychological problems ( instead of smoking a natural weed, an ancient symbiotic yeast, or a chemical that was used to tan leather until bicycle day ).. why not try a drug that was created for that express purpose. What is called 'Ecstasy' here in America - I think they call it Molly in Europe - and what the creator ( Dr George Greer ) was quoted in ( i read the article but I dont remember if it was in Playboy or Penthouse ) as preferring to be called Euphoria - as that is the product. Like with LSD the recreational doses leave you with a hangover ( and like all chemical there are people who react poorly or are outright allergic ). I found this link rather quickly on Wikipedia

Johansen, PO.; Krebs, TS. (2009). "How could MDMA (ecstasy) help anxiety disorders? A neurobiological rationale.". Journal of Psychopharmachology 23 (4): 389–91. doi:10.1177/0269881109102787. PMID 19273493

Dr Greer said he felt that the chemical is being demonized by the agencies - and in the proper doses and settings - is a perfectly fine drug that does what it was designed to when used properly.

Usul said...

As much of a hollow phrase as it might be: I'm glad you're OK-ish. I'll let you know when I'm next in your relative neck of the woods. Sometimes it's good to talk to strangers.

Mean while: keep your chin up. Even chemically imbalanced, your brain is a beautiful thing.

Your sib,

Usul.