i got enrolled in University again for fourth year, which started Monday. i was actually pretty proud of myself for getting to the advising appointment and doing the whole registration thing without any fuckups other than being an hour late. it turns out being fucked up is considered a legit excuse for that, somehow. they said they'd make the bureacracy go away since i was "one of their best students", although i think i'm actually just one of their most easily recognised charity case students. i got to the classes then, but that night i took my pills too late and ended up playing RIFT on MD's account until half three. so today i slept through all three classes and so did he. i guess it could be worse.

i also don't have student loans sorted out yet. my mail keeps going MIA after people send it, never arriving at my place because of its unorthodox address - slightly fucking worrying as the loans people have/had my fucking passport. no word on if or how much money will be paid. October rent due date approaching rapidly, kinda shitting bricks here.

head has been a little better. intrusive thoughts have ceased for the time being. plus i actually have people i know in this year, so maybe i can have more than one friend, a housemate and a partner as my meatspace social circle now. doesn't really matter since you guys are better support than any "friend" i ever had irl, to be honest. apart from Feoa, who is beyond good to me, but she needs space and help just like i do - we can't constantly be relying on each other since that would make both of us worse.

i did get some decent Valium from some of my street friends, though, so i should be able to sleep better tonight. only ten of them but they're real this time and this time i'm not gonna pop all of them, get anteretrograde amnesia and spend four hours telling Muad-Dib how x shitty romance book hero i read about when i was thirteen is totally hotter than him.

yeah, i was fucked. i was trying to block out pain from removing an embedded test prototype in my wrist and man, that tissue doesn't like letting go of embedded shit once it gets a hold of it.

gonna go take a bath, go to bed at midnight like an old lady and see if i can sleep through Quiz Night. (0900 lecture tomorrow.) fucking pub. cc.


PS. went to wedding of MD's sister Saturday, was recognised by guy i'd never seen before who had found Berlin lecture and shown it to fifty of his repulsed employees. lulz.


malces said...

Best of luck in the next semester, sape. Don't suppose you'll be participating in the Stanford/MIT AI class at all?

Anonymous said...

Fuck, now thats something positive to read from you. Im really happy, that things work out for you. Glad you decided to give it another try. I guess there still is a very interessting science-career waiting for you... Keep going Lepht!

Max said...

It's nice to hear you're scraping together the courage to resume your life. Just try not to fall back into that psychological hole you just crept out of.

It's nice that you now have people around you who you can converse with without having to goon rampages afterwards. Being connected in social life (even if it's a pack of nerds, as my social circle is) helps in a lot of ways one wouldn't expect.

I've been wondering what your university is like, and how far along the academic path you are, but one of these questions has been duly answered for me now.

I'd try to keep the drug use as low as possible, at least as long as it takes for people in this new semester to get used to you, and as long as it takes to make some acquaintances. Of course, I know there's been some talk about chronic pain and that you need the drugs to stay sane, but I don't know the whole situation, and you can't make friends if you're unconscious.

Good luck and enjoy the new semester. I certainly will.

Usul said...

I don't expect you care terribly much about blog comments, but still: take care, and best of luck @ uni!

John said...

Great to hear that you're getting a handle on your studies, hopefully the course fees aren't too bad to get a hold of. Was the embedded prototype part of southpaw, or some new project you haven't posted about yet? And how does valium interact with the other things you're on?

Anonymous said...

Its awesome to see another post from you and even more so due to its very positive nature.
I know very little about you you but have been blown away to see some one else out there like me...and I mean out there......Have you ever considered that you may be bi-polar, A few of my colleagues in my 20's had fortuitously asked if I was bipolar (or manic depressive as the term was back then) and I just shrugged it off and kept self medicating for pleasure and therapy s I called it.....but once I hit late 20's and got diagnosed as Bipolar it was easier to understand my place or lack of it, in the world. I have no reason to doubt your diagnoses its just that I go off the radar for months at a time and struggle with peoples expectations of consistency as well...anyways enough ranting..
As for the valium I have found it useful but I always feel myself wanting more and worry due to my drug history.
My doctors have prescribed xanax before and I found that ok in some situations as well as being a little less addictive, due to this it is often legally prescribed to people that valium would not. As for other meds I have used zyprexa (with sucked ass) epilum (lithium substitute) zoloft, prozac, cymbalta and some others for bipolar...I eventually went off all but some thyroxin for thyroid issues and cymbalta to help with bipolar as well as a multivit and anti reflux meds.
I went off everything else due to liver function tests come back as an issue after several blood tests.

So I suppose my point Is that if i could do anything different is would be treat my liver well by reducing all elicit and pointless drug use to allow for a life long time of sustainable mental meds.

Hope some of my bullshit ramblings are of use....cheers

Lepht said...

thanks, malces, Max, Usul and others. unfortunately i won't have time for the AI online classes, though a lot of my peers on the AI BSc (mine is just Computing Science) are taking it and seem to really like it. it's not my specialty, though.

Max - i don't know if they consider me a "friend" as such; they don't invite me to things or anything, but they know my name and they do talk to me, which is pretty much more than most people do. i tend to reserve the word until i know they use it too, in case people are just being polite and don't actually want to be friends. i don't know much about the benefits; i had a best friend, and i miss the shit out of her, but she broke my trust in that kind of relationship. i couldn't give someone else that power again. hopefully they'll do some of the things i've wanted to do with people like get coffee or work on stuff together. they know i'm on drugs at any rate - that's common knowledge. i have never attended university "clean".

John - more about the money in a post later. the prototype was just a proto-cover for Sugru nodes, nothing special. Valium just makes me calmer, so i can deal with higher levels of stress and physical pain. it doesn't take pain away though.

Anonymous - i'm not bipolar, i have borderline personality disorder and chronic episodic depression. i have never experienced a manic episode and indeed i think it would be better if i did. i have immense trouble working up the kind of energy on demand that bipolar patients display so effortlessly during non-depressive phases.

i can understand where you would get confused since both your disorder and mine are episodic and feature long, isolating periods of depression, but i've been pretty competently analysed and diagnosed and i trust my doctors' opinion this time.

my liver is actually fine right now since i am taking a shitty partial opiate agonist instead of a more damaging, more functional full agonist. still, believe me when i say that although illicit drug use may not be for you, it (or currently, its crap substitute) is keeping me alive. i could give up neither my legitimate psychiatric meds nor opiates.

good luck to all of you starting new terms/jobs/school years also. once again, i appreciate the sentiment.


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[pls no ask about the vodka. debate is always welcome. remember, Tramadol fucks you up]