15.10.13

recent events

i guess i ought to explain what actually happened with Muad-Dib now that i can sort of talk about it. even now it still makes my hands shake to do it, though.

so ctrl-shift-h a few months and i was still living with him in a tiny one room flat in the Silver City. i haven't been well for a long time now and i wasn't doing too good then, either. i had a seizure, pain levels were getting pretty disabling, syncope and BP were bad, my head was a mess. my ma came to visit, and while she was there, she came along to one of my appointments with my consultant psychiatrist (Dr. D). Dr. D kindly listed for her all the different ways i was fucked up, and explained how this litany of insanity made me not very capable of looking after myself to a normal person's standard, and between me, my ma and Dr. D it was decided that i would come down to England over the summer for respite care. this would last a month or two, during which Muad-Dib would get a break from me and all my shit and i would go to stay in an environment that would be less isolating during the day. then i'd come back up and finish my last year of university courses starting in September. before i left, he told me to take it easy, get rest, and promised me he would be there when i got back. i packed all my shitty secondhand clothes and gear into my great big fuckoff holdall bag and lugged it to the airport and there i was.

unsurprisingly the plan went arse over tits about a week afterwards. he called me one evening, and after allowing me to flether like a fucking idiot for ten minutes about how much i missed him and how i took the dog for a walk and stupid shit like that, flatly informed me that he had been thinking and didn't want to be in a relationship with me any more. i could still live in the flat with him, he said, if i wanted to, but he was leaving the relationship.

several seconds passed while my mind tried to form an adequate expression of just how stupid it was to expect that someone you have just dumped, who still loves you, could possibly be okay with staying with you in a tiny fucking bedsit which only has one place to sleep - we would either have to carry on sharing the bed or i would have to sleep underneath it. and at some point he would meet someone else and what the fuck would happen then? "Oh," i said. he carried on talking. he was sorry, he didn't want me to take this to mean he didn't care about me, et cetera. i had stopped processing the input at the bottleneck of your life partner doesn't love you any more and simply sat there. eventually i noticed the dangerous amount of water that had fallen off my face onto the keyboard. i remember saying emotionlessly that i had to go speak with my mum now and hanging up on him.

i cried so fucking hard. it felt like my chest had been punched through and just a gaping, howling void was left. i couldn't speak. i couldn't sleep. he was everything to me and he had ripped it all away with one fucking phone call. part of me couldn't even believe that this had really happened - i kept thinking, this isn't him, and then the riposte, no, this isn't what i knew of him. i'm so easy to lie to once i trust someone that he could easily have been thinking about this for months, telling me everything was fine. i don't know any different.

a couple days later my ma called him to figure out what the fuck was going on (i was there). from this call we understood that he definitely wasn't going to change his mind any time soon. he said a lot of things: he still cared, there wasn't someone else, oh you don't want to stay in the flat?, things had "changed", and some other platitudes. i said only that i could not "still be friends", which was the truth: i refuse to put myself through the agony of watching the only man i have ever truly loved get over me, meet pretty girls while he's out drinking, bring some home, get attached, fall in love. replace me with someone he doesn't have to waste his money supporting. watch some perfectly healthy beauty with no scars become his bride. i'd rather die.

"So it's all or nothing?" he asked, sounding surprised. "Yeah," i said. "I can't just be one of your friends." i didn't know it then, but that was in all likelihood the point at which he decided on "nothing".

at the end of the call he said he needed months, maybe more, to make a decision on whether he could ever countenance repairing the bond we had and getting back together. a month in i broke, and emailed him asking for a decision now. he replied, "I'm sorry, it's a no." he added more, things to make him feel better - i "deserved someone who would look after me", he promised to keep in touch, he was sorry again and again. he wasn't sorry enough to try and repair our life together. i could come and pick up my stuff any time, he informed me. as an awful postscript to everything, when we came to pick up my things, we found a "Guide to Lovers' Massage" hidden amongst his socks which had to have been bought after he left me. i don't know if there's another because the only message i ever received from him after that was one sent to my mum, asking for some shit we'd taken to be returned. i refuse to send communications on my part because i can't face talking to him and possibly finding out that i was deceived the entire time.

i ought also to point out here that he did sleep with another woman once, owing to an agreement between us from way back when we were just fooling around together - i said he should find out what he liked, before committing to me. since i never rescinded this, he thought it was cool to bring a girl back to our house while i was visiting my dying granddad in hospice. she slept in his arms in my bed, another image i can't get out from behind my eyes at night. i forgave him. i dunno if it's her, if it's anyone. idk if he just got sick of me. his friends' girlfriends are all beautiful, as is this girl, no giant tattoos or faded man hair or fat guts or self-harm scars or fucked up old-ass gypsy clothes. i used to see them sometimes when they went out and think how fucking lucky i was that he was with me when he could have had any of those lovely women.

so that's how i lost pretty much all progress from the past two years or so. my stuff is shoved into boxes in the back of my dad's office. i'm in my parents' spare room. i still love him and there is nothing i can do with that. i have no money, no house, and i can't go back to the University until late 2014. i wish i could write something happier. sorry, sibs.

L

31 comments:

Anonymous said...

life's a bitch and then you die.
carry on.

Jalex said...

We'll fuck :/ shit just ain't been too god for you has it. I hope it gets a fuckton better from now on, dunno quite how to say that without being ridiculously cliché but I hope I said it eloquently enough.

We're here for ou if ya need us.

leon gregório said...

dont give up lepth! we are here, and we wil always be!

Anonymous said...

whatever you do, keep writing these updates. it makes me sad to read the bad news they tend to contain, but only after it made me happy to see you're still posting.

Mr. C. said...

Oh. Shit. Unreal.

The way you describe yourself sounds a lot like the way I'd describe myself. It is disheartening to see (read?) of you in this position. How truly, truly awful.

You are a wonderful person doing wonderful things. Remember that. It would be a lie to say that things like this are just transient events; it's shallow, insipid wishful thinking at its worst.

Don't let shitty people steer your life towards the rocks.

Good luck. Stay safe. Get well. We all your fans are always here (there?) to support you.

Mitchell said...

Someone will turn this story into a highly successful manga.

Anonymous said...

You're hot, intelligent and single time will heal you x

Usul said...

Thank you for taking the time to explain, and sorry for the massive pile of steaming shit that's befallen you :(

However, your post sounds encouragingly coherent and sensible, which leads me to think that (in spite of everything) you're soldiering on.

As per usual, if there's anything we can do, just let us know. You know where to find me if you want to talk.

Take care, sib!

Zorbeltuss said...

I don't know if you want one but here's a digital hug.
It seems to me that you're very strong, well, I know that might not be what you want to hear, but I wouldn't have managed to stay together during such hardship, my wish is that you could feel how strong you are and let him know that you can and will survive without him, not for his sake, but for your sake.

Also this is advice on the internet so you are allowed and encouraged to take it with your chosen amount of salt.

duneo said...

A long time ago as I visited my parents to finish school for 3 months, my girlfriend decided we were done. The void in my chest is still vivid. I lived in a cabin on their property for over a year, drowning in tears, slowly pushing myself to overcome the pain. But I did, realizing that to be happy you have to choose to be happy. Quite often memories stand in the way.

You are not a weakling. Inside yourself you harbor more spirit than most. We are here for you and recovery is a process. Your posting of this is part of that process - and therefore is not as unhappy as it may at first seem.

You know I will always believe in you and be there for you. As will we all.

Dan Campbell said...

A few things come to mind about you, while reading this:

1. Your strength and intuition. Seeing clearly, at least temporarily, that you can't be 'just friends', are clear signs of internal resources that many of us would give up an arm for. The internal Lep who kept you going, up till now. (It's early in the morning, difficult to come up with exact wording)

2. Your intelligence. Interpreting his comments about 'you deserve better', as a way to placate his own guilt, is probably close to what's going on.

3. It's good that you had a psychiatrist, hope you still have that resource. I'm absolutely certain that you will get through this, because of 1. and 2. But having a professional around, is a plus.

4. I gotta stop complaining about the drive to work, when I have a job I love, a wife who is a load of laughs, and personal ambitions that seem achievable. A few minor inconveniences to deal with, are a small price to pay, when there is so much unhappiness & suffering out there.

The human fcking condition sucks. Human beings were not meant to live like this.

Lep - Gd, it hurts to know that there's nothing that most of us can do for you. Starting the morning here, with a few tears. But thanks so much, for sticking around; for sharing your experiences; and for helping some of us to put our own circumstances into perspective.

Unknown said...

Ugh. Relationships where one member is disabled/chronically I'll fail at a rate of 50-75%, but stats don't help the pain. I'm helping a fellow chronic pain person with her divorce from a man who booted her disabled, unemployed ass into the street - and then offered her $7k of her 'half' of their $150k home. Better you learned him for who he is now, rather than after you were legally tied as well.

Anonymous said...

Lepht, how can such a rare, beautiful and intelligent girl as you have so many problems? You express yourself so eloquently, you could easily be successful as a writer or any number of things. It seems like you're allowing your life to be a lot more difficult than it has to be. Have you ever considered, say, starting a Youtube channel? An original personality is all one needs to make money these days. Having done that biohacking talk and revealed yourself already (and breaking many hearts in the process, I'm sure) is there much sense in keeping such a low profile? Whack a few clips on youtube and before you know it you'll have thousands of subs, be making some money, making friends in more interesting places and perhaps even get closer to your dream. I get that this might sound like selling out but I think it could work for someone like you.

Or if that's no good, come down to London and I'll buy you lunch. :)

James

Jonathan Doe said...

In reading this, I as most struck by what you wrote about Maud'Dib sleeping with another woman. I found myself in a similar situation, except without the fooling around consent to it. You hit the nail on the head, and I'm sorry you had to go through that, as well as all the doubts about deceit etc., on top of everything.

It is good to see you posting; I have no idea what the comment of a random internet denizen you've never met can mean, but having read your blog for what seems like a while now, I was very worried at the sudden silence.

Saal said...

L,

Glad to see you're still around; you had us worried there for a while. I honestly can't think of anything to say other than what everyone else has--feel free to vent/unload to us, we're here for you.

On another topic, I have some microtargeting platinum-iridium electrodes with your name on them. No rush, but if you feel like getting back to Southpaw just let me know (will shoot an email to your trioptimum account after this). It might take your mind off things, but if not no pressure; handle things your way.

-Saal

Ishihito said...

Hey L,
Don't give up! There are people that care and want to hear more from you. Thank you for showing such great strength and keeping up with all of us.

Anonymous said...

It's good to keep hearing from you! Don't ever stop! You are so much stronger than all the fools...<3

Anonymous said...

the first time i heard about you was about two hours ago and the only thing i would like to say is: please keep on being yourself, it's so good to know that there are people like you on that planet! even if you don't think this will happen - lovehurts fade after a while... you will get over it, promise! take care! *hug*
vera

Renez GADE said...

Be strong.

Don'T be scared.
Life is life.
Maybe it's better after!
Who knows?

Be happy while you can make it happen. You decide this.

Damian Gordon said...

I'm so sorry to read about the dreadful way you have been treated. You deserve so much better, this guy is a jerk.

Unfortunately I'm sure most of us have felt the same pain, I had a girlfriend who I loved who did something similar to me, over the phone. It really was like getting a punch in the heart. It took a couple of months before I was able to believe it was even happening, but please believe me, it does get better over time, be patient with yourself, stay active, look at some comedies even if you don't want to, and be as kind to yourself as you can.

Anonymous said...

wrote you something, forgot my email login, so to sum

fuck him

pain will gratuatly seseed, never end

drink tea

watch some scifi

u single makes a lot of geeks go "wuhu!!"

get better, get well

rest and take care

J

Dan Campbell said...

Damian's got a good suggestion, there: comedy.

If you can get your hands on the book Sergio Aragones: Five Decades of his Finest Works, via library or some other means we don't need to know about,

it's worth your time.

dcat247 said...

You have a voice and philosophy on things we all find appealing, which was carried out to us via the net; that is why we are here writing these comments. Our lives sometimes take awful turns, and it is fine to be sad. To know emotion is the very essence of being human.

I have been exactly at this same situation before and after words I realized that on a planet of 8 billion people, the logical odds are in favor of meeting another person. Maybe not tomorrow, maybe not in five years; but they are out there. Hope might be one of the best of the emotions; it lends strength to all the things we like the most about our emotions. I know it is not about finding any other person but finding that one person who can coexist with you emotionally, romantically, and philosophically.

That is where hope and being human comes back in, you walk with it day by day till you can run again. Then one day you outrun even that and find yourself beyond and in control of it all.

Anonymous said...

Here here, totally agree

ryepdx said...

Sorry to hear about what happened. I'm sure it's not much solace for a random Internet stranger to send their condolences, but here they are, for whatever it's worth.

James - Lepht is intelligent and may be able to do well as a writer or personality of some sort, but I think you underestimate the impact clinical depression can have on a person. Lepht isn't "allowing [their] life to be a lot more difficult than it has to be" if they have a tendency to go into catatonic states for weeks at a time. That's not something they're choosing. And I think you're discounting the work they've been doing to get in a better place. Seeking treatment and healing really *does* come before any of the things you've proposed.

Lepht - I'm assuming you prefer "they" as a pronoun based on your blog's sidebar text. Feel free to disabuse me of that notion if it's incorrect.

ryepdx said...

Derp. Your sidebar uses "it" as a pronoun, not "they." :-S
My mistake.

Anonymous said...

"Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding, it is the bitter potion by which the physician within you heals your sick-self therefore trust the physician and drink his remedy in silence and tranquility"

Anonymous said...

"Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding, it is the bitter potion by which the physician within you heals your sick-self therefore trust the physician and drink his remedy in silence and tranquility"

Motoko Kolster said...

sounds like a real ass-gnome. i just read this right now, because my computer has been under attack and i have just been fighting to keep it clean. its good now,though. you know who i am. you know how i feel. email me an adress to send you presents @. lol i have such wonderful things to show you. i will actually always be here for you, i can't stop. i disagree with mr. c. i think that this is a transient, perhaps transitional event. you need someone who appreciates you more, anyway. i'll bet MD turns into a weirdo, you prob. shouldn't go back. always see everything. i also feel its very real, very normal. its not as bad as any of my more recent break-ups. here's something interesting: impermanence is modernity/ the impermanence of modernity is the future/ death is the ultimate threat of impermanence/ :. the future is scary.
none of this is intrinsically true, its actually something we've been trained to feel through corporatist culture, in order to make us accept job instability. the rest is just neccesary byproduct. understanding that you've been brainwashed by corporatism is the first step in liberation from transience. nothing is impermanant. the past is not a consentual hallucination. cultural psychological conditioning-engineering exists.
a 'McJob' (as in McDonalds) is a "Low skill, low pay, high stress, exhausting and unstable job"(No Logo, pg 237). it seems you are the victim of a 'McRelationship'. you need some more specialized, more rewarding labor of love.
speaking of which, do you know how annoying it is to live in a culture where human rights are considered rude? you wouldn't believe who still has a job over here.

i know that sounds a little wonky but i'm trying to give you some potent distractions so you don't feel like you're in prison thinking about your guilt or something, i know sometimes in-patient treatment can feel that way, and it can be a bit isolating, so there are some things to think about.

Motoko Kolster said...

sounds like a real ass-gnome. i just read this right now, because my computer has been under attack and i have just been fighting to keep it clean. its good now,though. you know who i am. you know how i feel. email me an adress to send you presents @. lol i have such wonderful things to show you. i will actually always be here for you, i can't stop. i disagree with mr. c. i think that this is a transient, perhaps transitional event. you need someone who appreciates you more, anyway. i'll bet MD turns into a weirdo, you prob. shouldn't go back. always see everything. i also feel its very real, very normal. its not as bad as any of my more recent break-ups. here's something interesting: impermanence is modernity/ the impermanence of modernity is the future/ death is the ultimate threat of impermanence/ :. the future is scary.
none of this is intrinsically true, its actually something we've been trained to feel through corporatist culture, in order to make us accept job instability. the rest is just neccesary byproduct. understanding that you've been brainwashed by corporatism is the first step in liberation from transience. nothing is impermanant. the past is not a consentual hallucination. cultural psychological conditioning-engineering exists.
a 'McJob' (as in McDonalds) is a "Low skill, low pay, high stress, exhausting and unstable job"(No Logo, pg 237). it seems you are the victim of a 'McRelationship'. you need some more specialized, more rewarding labor of love.
speaking of which, do you know how annoying it is to live in a culture where human rights are considered rude? you wouldn't believe who still has a job over here.

i know that sounds a little wonky but i'm trying to give you some potent distractions so you don't feel like you're in prison thinking about your guilt or something, i know sometimes in-patient treatment can feel that way, and it can be a bit isolating, so there are some things to think about.

Anonymous said...

im a glass half empty kind of gy, so im feeling ya, hope some stream of water fills your glass to the brim soon.


hope your world stops spinning long enough for you to get a bearing

hope you dont cherish in your despair

hope you get well soon

mr_j