i am beginning to wonder if this isolation isn't bad for me. i've been completely by myself, through no fault of my own (flatmate, depressive episode, refuses to see anyone) for about three days now, maybe more. it's starting to make me think differently, and that worries me; it's becoming more difficult to see the good side of things and to enjoy stupid-ass stuff like i usually do.

like i said, this worries the shit outta me, more so because i know why. we're evolved from social primates, and there've been experiments with social Rhesus monkeys and isolation that drove the poor little fuckers insane; we're simply not adapted for dealing with everything by ourselves. even writing this is making me feel a little better; but that don't mean i can deal with loneliness.

i think hackers are probably a more at-risk group than most for this, too. we're isolated by nature - it's not easy to date someone who spends ten hours or more at a time doing something you know nothing about, which forces them into secrecy lest they get arrested or persecuted and glues them into their rig for days - and often we don't have many friends. i'm a prime example of that. but that kind of social predisposition doesn't exactly prepare us for utter, complete aloneness: that's something else entirely, something dangerous. like i said, humans aren't meant to do this.

then again, i guess i'm hoping that the fact that i've got more experience of it than, say, the captain of the rugby team or the head cheerleader, will make me better equipped to deal with it. i'm hoping that what i've learned from before - and it's simple shit, things like you shouldn't listen to sad music or read manga where the characters keep dying (unless it's High School of the Dead) - will keep me safe from any nasty shit this time round.

but i've never done it for this long before, and this time there's nobody in the meatspace either. nobody's on campus, nobody's in the lab, nobody's in my flat when i get there; it feels like nuclear winter sometimes. i honestly don't know whether this is safe enough, or what the fuck i'll do if it turns out not to be.

i don't know what's gonna happen. that scares the shit outta me. i'm gonna post something every day, just to kinda anchor my head to reality; if anyone does lurk this blog, just do me a favour and comment. any kind of contact would be good right now.

as a last note, i guess you could call this an experiment. we'll all see what happens when people are left alone for this long.

"Was mich nicht umbringt, macht mich staerker." ain't never been so true.



Sim said...

know it's a bit late, but yea you're not alone.

Greg said...

Wanted to tell you that too, that, no, we are not alone. And that i love your blog. Thanks. x

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