bitter

dihydrocodeine, one step up from regular codeine, is a strong scrip-only analgesic, prescribed to chronic pain patients like yours truly for the dual purpose of shutting us the fuck up and letting us scare the shit out of our peers by taking them in class. they're big, they're uncoated and they taste so bad that they induce your gag reflex, meaning that the first couple times you try to take them, you'll spit them out because their bitter taste stimulates the area of your brain that tells you they're likely to be poison, and you won't even have meant to.

my friends, i have discerned their secret, and its name is Jaffa.

this is how you take a massive pill without hurling:

1. buy Jaffa cakes.
2. dissect a cake, making sure to leave orangey bit intact.
3. wrap nasty-ass pill of your choice in orangey bit.
4. shove to back of mouth and swallow before it can dissolve.
5. repeat as necessary, wash down with OJ or chocolate milkshake (and for the love of all that you hold sacred, don't use Coca-Cola).

now go forth and use this secret to heal the sick.

L