meathacked

fuck yeah, there's a chip in the hand i'm not typing with. it took longer and hurt more than i expected, but bled a lot less; the first thing i'm gonna do as a cyborg (pfft) is a. scare the shit outta the kiddies in the spring term's first lecture, and b. show you guys how to be just as irresponsible and foolhardy as me.

first up, i should explain why the fuck i did this. for a start, it's gonna make some awesome crypto projects - the chip is inherently insecure, seeing as how it broadcasts in cleartext, and i'm really fucking interested in how they can be incorporated into securer systems. also, i've been wanting to do this just to prove to myself i could ever since reading Battle Angel Alita and being told by a seven-year-old that i couldn't take a pinprick without my pain pills (little shit). i think this and my countless liver-purgings sans analgesia have proved that kid wrong =] third, i did it cause i wanted to know what it was like, plain and simple.

second, why i did it this way, in a student bathroom, instead of having it shot in like a normal... dog whose owners don't wanna lose it. like i've yelled about before, .gov health services won't do this sorta thing for a few reasons: takes up real patients' time, isn't medically necessary, i might sue (yeah...) there's no vet in my part of town, and i doubt they'd do it anyway, so i was left on my own...

so how to do it? aw, here goes. i'm assuming you got a rice-grain type glass ampoule tag.

1. gather ya tools. you need a sterile scalpel (Swann-Morton disposables are the cleanest bet, but a boiled and Milton'd surgical knife would be way more efficient), wound spray or iodine for cleaning the area and the incision, gauzes, steri-strips, fabric strapping and cotton wool. also, it's good to have TCP or Milton liquid antiseptic on hand in case shit gets nasty. you're also gonna want a permanent marker, in addition to the tag itself.

2. find a buddy to help ya out (preferably a non-squeamish buddy who's at least a bio student) and a secure, clean bathroom or kitchen to do the "operation" in. it's this buddy's job to spot you, help you make the big cut, swab while you're inserting the chip, help you dress the wound and call 999 if you nick an artery.

3. get ya marker. now, put your hand flat on a surface. look for the triangular, vein-free area between the bones of your index finger and thumb; that's where we're gonna insert the chip. draw a solid line a centimetre long, in the clearest part of this area you can see, parallel to your thumb. you gotta get it the right way round though.

4. make sure the area is really clean, then wash your hands like you had TB and sterilise them all over with the wound spray or Milton. you can wear latex gloves if that's easier to work in. have your buddy wash and steri his hands too.

5. now for the pain. get something to bite, and make the first cut all the way along your marker guideline on your hand. it'll take about ten or twenty strokes of the scalpel before you get deep enough to insert anything, and brother, it will hurt like fuck. get your buddy to take over if you get the shakes, make sure you keep swabbing the blood away with Milton or whatever, and stop when you're about two mil deep and you can see distinct lips of skin on either side of the wound.

6. and now for the fucking nasty part. push the end of your ampoule chip underneath the 'lip' closest to the index finger bone, where it'll probably lodge. now shove that motherfucker in until you can't see any of it - it can go under the skin, you just need to force it. this will also hurt a lot, but just do it all at once or you'll never make it.

7. once you can't see any part of the tag, swab the wound until you can close it with steri-strips, then sterilise the whole hand again, and cover the strips with a gauze pad. bind your hand up real tight with the strapping and get yourself and your buddy a shot, cause bro, it's over.

so, uh, enjoy yourselves. more on this once it heals.

L